I have been reviewing manuscripts written for or with my now-adult daughter from when she was a young child. One is called "Tell Don’t Yell." In total transparency, twenty years ago, I often expressed myself through yelling when I was frustrated. People who know me now are amazed that I was ever less than peaceful. Back then, I was less than peaceful, both inside and out. I had to learn how to find the peace I now teach others.
My motivation for change was my beloved 8-year-old daughter's response to my behavior. "Mom," she said one day, "Tell don't yell. When you yell, I feel like you don't love me anymore."
Tears spring forth from that memory, which sparked a journey into becoming a more loving parent, a more compassionate teacher and a better person.
"Tell Don't Yell" was a one of the manuscripts we wrote together. Our collaboration built a bridge between us that my yelling was knocking down. Effective communication between adults and children is something we all desire. Yet, old patterns and habits can be a roadblock.
I can still vividly recall when I attempted to hurry her morning cat-play, so that she'd get to the school bus stop on time. I was sprouting an abundance of words that began to grow louder as my efforts became less effective.
At the exact moment before my amygdala took over and my intellect lost control, my daughter took the cat off her shoulders.
She stood and looked up at me, her earnest little face illuminated. She spoke aloud her young child wisdom, as if reading a page in our collaboration:
My mother yells too much.
She yells in the kitchen.
She yells in the hall.
I'd be on my way to school right now
If her words weren't blocking the door.
With that I laughed, hugged my brilliant co-writer and reached for a pen to capture her exact words.
Her words stayed with me until, with consistent motivation and innovation, I learned to tell, not yell.
We all thrive on loving connections. If there is a disconnect between ourselves and our children, we are very capable of initiating a reconnection. While we often feel uncomfortable, ashamed or embarrassed at momentarily "losing it," we need to forgive ourselves for not being the perfect parents or teachers we'd like to be and move forward. One thing I know to be true: we will always be given another opportunity for more generative communication with our children.
Guidelines for Collaboration:
- Writing a story or book together is one form of adult/child collaboration.
- Making up songs together are another way to collaborate. (See June 4, 2013 blog on Spontaneous Song)
- Improvisation or puppet shows can be extremely fun activities for both adults and children. Here is one activity you can add to your collection of tools.
Let’s Trade Places (You Can Be Me, I Can Be You)
- Have the child play the part of the parent or teacher; the adult plays the part of the child.
- Use a current topic/issue: such as "getting ready for school" for parents; "clean-up time" for teachers.
- Set the scene: you can have the children determine where it takes place, what has just happened or is about to happen.
- Allow the children as much responsibility as possible for setting the storyline. With very shy children, they may need prompting. Sometimes, having an extroverted child in a "director's" role will move the improvisation along. You can also ask for audience suggestions as to "What Happens Next?"
- In expressing yourselves from each other's point of view, you come to a better understanding. I've had a very accurate mirror of my behavior reflected by children who pretend to be Elyse. Humor is so important when initiating change, reducing conflict or finding creative solutions.
In our collaborative story, Arianna was my teacher. I had daily homework: practicing telling, not yelling. Loving her as I do, I was a very willing and successful student.
In the years following our collaboration, I've dusted that retro chalk dust off my hands and learned to be an effective communicator, especially when frustrated.
Peace in our homes and classrooms begins with us.
Next Blog: Playing with puppets and children. You'll receive detailed activities I used in teaching an adult class, Puppetry and Its 500 Hats, at a local university.